Quote:

July 30, 2010

“Suicide often arises not from a hatred of life, but from a lust for it, a desire for things to be otherwise, for life to be full when it appears not to be.”

– Steven & Ondrea Levine

Life and death are interchangeable; there can be no life without death and no death without life. In fact, they are the same. And actually there is no death.

How can we make the life we’ve got here on Earth into what we are lusting for over there in death?

Instead of us crossing over into death to reunite with our loved ones, how can we bring them more into our lives over here?

We don’t need to know the answers. The important thing is just to ask the right questions. And in time, the answers just come.

— one reader, Kate, just asked.

How we LIVE in the wake of this, is a damn good question. i can’t say i have one answer. its piecemeal, patchwork. my sense of time has dramatically shifted and time is speeding up. this helps. staying focused on my purpose for being here helps. appreciating every little kernel of beauty and kindness, transforming my point of view so dramatically so that this life looks and feels like heaven on earth, helps. feeling john’s presence everyday helps. connecting to spirit, that helps. knowing a hell of an Afterparty awaits me after i pass, that helps. living up to my potential helps. Grieving helps. Crying, crying, and crying some more until the tears of sadness turn into tears of something else….love, helps.

maybe this will help…just a wee bit, at least for now, this moment. there’s so much more to add, and i will, in time.

People often asked me if I was angry at John. Many people in my life were angry at John for me (and I know they tried their best to conceal it, out of respect for me). I don’t blame them. I think if I were in their shoes I would be angry on their behalf.How could he do this to her? I imagined they were saying amongst themselves.

And yes, I did ask that question. How could he do this to me? Wasn’t I enough of a reason for him to stay? If he really loved me he would have stayed. How could he be so selfish? I never thought I would be in this situation. I did not sign up for this. How is this my life? What am I going to do with my life now?

Yes my mind was wracked with questions, day and night; trying to make sense of a warped reality that makes no sense. But was I angry at John? Yes, but also no. Since I understand this longing to die, to return home, and since I have gone through many many hard struggles with depression and I have lived most of my life in the dark, I understood what he was going through. I understand the constricted mind state, the tunnel vision that someone who wants to kill themselves experiences. It’s truly black and it’s truly numb. You can’t even fathom that anyone else would care if you were gone because you simply have stopped feeling anything that even remotely resembles love. It isn’t selfish like most people think, it is the only self-preserving option that a person can even fathom in that moment. To kill oneself, and I mean to actually do it and die, takes more courage than we could even imagine. Our brains and our systems are wired to take every possible precaution against death. So to willingly counter all of this biological conditioning, is a tremendous feat and speaks to the depths of someone’s pain, suffering, and longing to get out.

For me, it was most important that I practice being happy that John was no longer in pain. It was a relief to know he was in joy and need not suffer another second longer. I had to come to a place where I would prefer his freedom and joy over my selfish need for him to stay on Earth in order to alleviate my pain. I would never want to enslave him in his suffering just on my behalf. So my task at hand was to keep digging and healing until I could genuinely accept the choice he had made and be ok with things as they are, no matter how horrendous everything felt. I was mostly angry at the universe and enraged that this was my life. How could this be my path in life? It was too hard, too lonely, and I resented the challenge. Why was I the only 29 year old I knew having to deal with this kind of tragedy while everyone else was happily coupled up or in the process of happily coupling up? There had to be some f*ing reason, because to say it f*ing sucked is the understatement of the year.

People often told me, “Sarah, you need to allow yourself to be angry at him.” And I was like, sure ok. How do I do that when I’m just not feeling that angry right now? Yes, I was angry at John. I’m not going to pretend I wasn’t. My anger at him flared up most often when I was mourning the death of all the  dreams I had had for our future. Those were the ones that killed me.

As a psychologist I understand that anger is a “normal and natural stage of grief.” It comes up whether we like it or not, sometimes in the most unexpected ways. But to normalize it like this, is to miss the point. This is not your ordinary, run of the mill anger. It’s a rage that’s summoned up from another dimension, it’s a possession really. Thunderbolts and lightning do not do it justice.  Feeling my anger, really f*ing feeling it, and embodying it was/is essential for my healing, integration, and acceptance. My biggest breakthroughs happened through my rage. It was through my rage, every time, that I found more and more strength to go on.

Another psychologist-ism I hear a lot was: ” The only way out is though.” Now this one, as annoying and clichéd as it might sound, is very very true. Grieving is a crazy journey. Mad. Insane. This kind of grief is a transformation process.The shell has been cracked, and something new is emerging. If you go in there and live it, experience it like your life depends on it (and it does) I guarantee that when you pop out the other side of it, you will be different. You will feel things in new ways and experience life with a perspective you never thought possible.  You might not want to hear it, you might not see it or believe it, and you certainly don’t want it, but I invite you to feel it as fully as you can. Your power is in there; how can you claim it? Get what’s rightfully yours.

This is a little section from my book, Love You Like the Sky. Maybe I didn’t show people my anger on a regular basis, and that’s why they told me to be angry. But hell, I had anger. I had all consuming, fire breathing anger. And lots of it.

Date: December 8th, 2009

Subject: Prison

Dear John,

It was dark on that Sunday afternoon in February. I’d been huddled in the fetal position, missing you, for hours.  Tears and mucus covered my face. At some point I just couldn’t take the ruthless pain and longing anymore. I started getting angry at myself for being trapped and not being able to do a damn thing to be with you. I wanted out. I wanted to get the fuck out of my body. You know that feeling. I wanted to get the fuck out of my life and have the nightmare end already. But I couldn’t. There was nothing to do other than be with the goddamn pain, and I couldn’t take it anymore.

I wanted to exhale my venom. I needed to smoke. I had quit smoking three years earlier when I was 27 and moved out to California. It was a habit I started when I was 18, and I loved it. Suddenly, while lying on the couch I needed a cigarette. I wanted to feel the burn of inhaling smoke into my lungs, I needed take my anger out, on myself. The very idea of it gave me a surge of energy, and I stormed out of my apartment in a crazed rage. My hair was a mess, and my eyes were lifeless from so much crying. I could barely see. I got in my car, blasted whatever music was on the radio, and drove like a madwoman to the nearest convenience store. Camel lights, I murmured.

With pack in hand, I sped to an abandoned lot, out of place on a quiet residential street. It looked like a ghost yard, overgrown with weeds and a single weeping willow tree. Perfect for my first cigarette of hate and anger. I climbed to the top of a large pile of wet mulch and dead leaves. I sat down and took pleasure in the filth. And as I smoked my cigarette in the dark, I glared wickedly at the night around me and the ghosts I couldn’t see but knew were there. Fuck you all.

How did my curses feel John? Probably nothing compared to what I was feeling. Or then again, maybe you felt what I felt. My sweatpants were wet, but I didn’t give a shit about the mulch and the bugs and the dirt. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I yelled. I wanted to do something violent. But what? I was angry at my life and at the universe. There was nothing and no one to attack. I wanted to grip the earth high above my head and smash it into concrete, shattering it into a million pieces. The only target for my rage was myself.  My self-destructive tendencies were boiling to the surface once again. I’d kept them quiet for so many years. I tried to be the good girl and crush the drug use and smoking. But now I wanted to get fucked up. I wanted to blow my mind up with  something violent. I wanted to destroy something. I wanted to destroy myself. This is what your death march to the train might have felt like. Destruction and explosion in a mass collision of steel, track, and body. Bang.

The truth was I knew I wasn’t going to do anything. I still had self-control and that was just as maddening. The least I could do was express my anger by smoking and slowly poisoning myself. I prayed for an early death. It was deeply satisfying to breathe in fire and exhale smoke, as my body transformed the elements. I was taming the rage flowing through my veins with nicotine.


[*** I know mentioning cigarettes is usually a big turn off, and since I have mentioned them quite a few times on this site, I would just like the record to state that I do not endorse smoking or not smoking, and I have long since stopped smoking. (In case you might want to also- here’s the Magic Formula for how  🙂 )]

Hit it.

July 27, 2010

Sometimes the best way to feel something is through music. Songs just hit the spot like nothing else.

After John passed I spent a lot of time driving in my car listening to music. These 3 songs helped/help me channel my rage. They got me going, got me in touch with my power; and helped me finally declare that I will not take this lying down goddamnit. I get to smolder, be angsty, and let it rip, preferably while driving my car with the music blasting and the windows down. New York style.

Help I’m Alive by Metric

Heavy Cross by Gossip

An oldie, but goody.

My Declaration by Eliza Bennett

It’s Ok

July 26, 2010

Today I drove up a mountain. I sat quietly, looking out over the valley. The sky was a soft electric blue and sparkled against the distant mountain peaks. The back of my neck was sweaty. I dropped my head, and it felt heavy, very heavy, like dead weight. My body heaved with relief. That’s when I noticed: I feel tired. I need to rest. And it’s ok.

There’s nothing I love more than a good dance party.  Ok, well maybe there are certain people, and certain ahem “spirits” I love more- but for the most part, dancing is one of the greatest things ever. There is nothing like moving through a body and expressing aspects of myself to rhythm and especially to bass. I love starting a dance floor, I love ending it, and I especially love hijacking the dj with my iPod and playing my favorite dance tracks. Around the same time I started dancing on the bar-mitzvah circuit, I also began clubbing in NYC. And after ten years of long lines or back doors, overly loud and overly crowded dark spaces, and more often then not a cast of characters that were somewhat suspect (myself included), I kinda outgrew the club scene.  The problem is- a good party with a dance floor isn’t always so easy to find.

That’s where 5 Rhythms comes in. Every week, in cities and towns all over the world (if you look it up, surely you’ll find one by you) a specially trained dj plays sets of amazing, diverse songs from all genres like hip-hop, trance, pop, soul, rock, and  world. The songs are played in sets that correspond to 5 different rhythms: Flow, Staccato, Chaos, Lyrical, and Stillness. It’s like  movement meditation meets wild tribal dance party. It lasts 3 hours and is au natural; no drugs or alcohol available or sold on the premises. People let it rip; some skip around like little kids; others just wiggle a finger in the air; some whoop, holler and scream; and then there are those that appear to be on something –  but aren’t, caressing each others’ faces while lying on the floor. I don’t know. It’s an anything goes type of thing, whether you want to dance solo, couple up, or sit in the middle and just watch.

A few years ago, I started going regularly to the one in Mountain View (strangely, it was located right across the street from the train tracks, exactly where John was struck). Since I have relocated, I now dance on Sundays at the one in Los Angeles, which is pretty rockin and crazy- what you would expect from LA.

Before John died, I had been hitting the gym 3 times a week, dancing, and doing pilates and yoga. I was in pretty good shape. But after he passed, I could barely feel my body. It was in shock, and I hardly ate, let alone exercised or danced. I didn’t have the will to exert any more energy than it took to breathe and get through a day.

Two months later, desperate to feel better, I dragged myself back to 5 Rhythms. At first, I danced slowly and carefully, unsure how my body would move in my newfound sense of reality and tragedy. No one there knew my story, had seen or felt the terror I had been through. A part of me wanted them to know exactly what it took to stand in the middle of a room full of moving bodies and sway my head to the beat. Another part of me relished my anonymity, and as a particular song came on that John and I used to dance to, I was grateful for my privacy as I dropped to my knees and cried tears onto the floor. He was there no doubt; dancing with me, with or without my awareness.

As the night marched on, I leaned in to the company of all the beautiful brave people dancing around me. It was their joy for life and their sorrow, their bare feet pounding on the floor, their endless adorable movements, their yelps of excitement, and their passion for dance that reminded me of the infinite beauty of humanity. I felt so grateful to be a part of this brute display of sweat, prayers, and tears; the dance of life. My spirit was gaining strength anew. When my life felt like it had stopped, the rest of the world kept on dancing and saved a place for me.  That night I realized, that no matter what, I too, could just keep dancing.

When there’s nothing left to do, dance.

** Ode to a Murakami book.

I just finished transcribing parts of the first session that I had with Felix Lee Lerma – a San Francisco based medium whom I highly recommend! (He does phone sessions also). I had my first session with Felix back in February when he came to Los Angeles. I left that session on a high, a contact high I guess, and I felt so light and reassured. A real sense of peace and trustfulness came over me from knowing and hearing from John in this way.

I didn’t transcribe the whole session; there were lots of random details and names that Felix asked about, and there was a whole portion where my paternal grandmother came through and was talking with her heavy New York inflection (which was hilarious). I wanted to keep the transcript relevant to this blog and not bore you with the idiographic stuff. Some of the details that Felix pulled out of seemingly thin air, were astounding.

I invite you to keep an open mind as you read further!

Felix: I feel like I have to bring through someone who passes very suddenly. Like Boom (snaps fingers). No warning. That’s the feeling that I’m getting.

Me: Yeah.

Felix: And with this comes this very playful energy. You know what I mean? Like kinda goofy in a way. Very goofy and funny.

Me: Uh huh and cute.

Felix (rubs his hands together). And like he’s sitting next to you right there. So I want to ask him for some more information here. He’s got his arm around you, like you were very special to him.

Me: Uh huh.

Felix: Like, I want to say “close friend” or I don’t know I feel like he’s pulling you in. You understand that?

Me: Uh huh.

Felix: So there’s someone to your side. {Long Pause} What happened to him up here? [pointing to his forehead] Why do I feel all of a sudden like BOOM. Like {hands slapping}

Me: Well it could be a couple of things, I don’t know how much you want me to tell you..

Felix: [exhaling strongly] Ok, let me, before you tell me let me first confirm with him what he’s showing me.  Is this person like a friend? Very close friend..like I wanta say like close.

Me: Well, yeah he was my boyfriend.

Felix: Yeah. It’s like close. It’s not just like buddy. It’s…he’s hugging you.

Me: No – he’s the – yeah…

Felix: Do you have a card he gave you? You keep reading this?

Me: I have a –

FELIX: He’s showing me something that you always read. It’s like you look at it.

Me: There are several things that I always-

FELIX: It’s like you’re always reading it. It’s from him. He just makes me feel like I need to acknowledge this.

Me: It could be a letter that he wrote before he passed…

Felix: {speaking to himself} So show me what happened to you? {To me} I’m asking for his energy to come in closer, I want to feel it more. Ok…

Was there a high speed impact with his passing? Cuz it’s like BOOM {clapping}. Pshooo. I just feel like everything  just you know what I mean (hand gestures) …or like an accident, like something came at him….it’s like that’s what I feel….

Me: A train.

Felix: ohh. Ok. Whatever it was, it happened so quickly {snapping}. He left his body very suddenly and I don’t feel like he felt a thing.

Me: Ok {crying}

Felix: I just want you to know that. Was he – oh god. Did he cause this himself because I feel like he’s making me feel like- he took- like he’s taking responsibility for how he passes cuz I don’t feel like it was an accident. I said accident and he says “No Felix.” He has his head down like he’s not proud.

Me: It was a suicide.

Felix: Cuz he’s not proud of how it happened. And I thought oh I must have said something wrong and he said no. But you know what? He wants you to know that he’s happy now. I have to tell you something- there’s something different about his mind, the way he worked, up here {pointing to head}. He says “I understand dad now” whatever that means. So he understands what happened with his dad or he understands his father now. I don’t know if there was something lingering or if there was something that—

Me: His dad used to abuse him when he was younger but I mean…

Felix: “Abuse” I think is a soft word for it.

Me: Really?

Felix: That’s what he’s showing me. He says “tell her I love her and” Ok… He said that he actually said he was going to do something like this, but someone didn’t believe him.

Me: I…he didn’t tell me., cuz I asked him the week before…

Felix: Someone, someone he told, who was a guy.

Me: A friend? His therapist?

Felix: No.

Me: A friend of his?

Felix: Yes.

Me: A male friend?

Felix: Yes.

Me: I’ve spoken to all his friends…none of them told me.

Felix: Whose Anthony or Andrew? A- “A” name? A-N, An…

Me: Adam?

Felix: Whose Adam?!

Me: Adam is a friend of his…

Felix: He’s making me feel like it’s not important that- he says “Felix I told this person jokingly”  – that’s how he’s making me feel—and they didn’t really believe him.

Me: Oh ok…well was he wanting to do this? Did he really want to die?

Felix: Let me tell you something. I’m asking him to show me like- I want him to take me to that day, that day that this happened. I want to ask him to show me what was going on in his mind. I want him to show me. Come on sir, show me what was going on in your mind. He says “I couldn’t think clearly.” He’s taking something. Did he like drink before this? Cuz he’s making me feel like he took something.

Me: Pills..? Ambien…?

Felix:  Some medication…he was on…

Me: Anti-depressants?

Felix: Was he on an antidepressant?!

Me: No, but they tried to put him on it the last week…um, it was… he had narcolepsy…

Felix: Something he took! I don’t know, it made him very like numb.

Me: The day that he did this?

FELIX: The day that he did this, the day before, the day or the day before. That’s what he’s showing me. Like I don’t feel right in the head, I don’t feel like I can think rationally.

Me: So a couple of days before he did start taking anti-depressants…was it that?

Felix: He said “it didn’t help me Felix. I felt numb. I didn’t…I felt numb.” Like, do you know what I mean? That’s what he’s showing me.

Me: Yeah.

Felix: Do you have something that belongs to him or a photograph?

Me: I have both.

Felix: can you take that out please. He wants me to hold on to something. He says “Felix you need to hold on to something that is mine or that is me.”

{I give him a photograph}

Felix: Thank you. Ok young man you’re going to have to work really hard with me. Um I just want you to know that this had ABOLUTELY nothing to do with you. You know that?

Me: Mm hm.

Felix: Cuz he’s saying “ She needs to know, she needs to know! It’s not her. It’s not her!”

Me: But I wish there was something I could have done to save him.

Felix: He says “No Felix.” Why is he playing Pink Floyd music?

Me: I don’t know. Wish You Were Here is one of my favorite songs.

Felix: Pink Floyd. I don’t know the names of these songs, I just hear- I’m seeing the Dark Side of the Moon Poster…

Me: Yeah.

Felix: …prism..

Me: Maybe he went to the dark side…? Maybe…?

FELIX: Mmm. No no no. Cuz he’s ok, he’s he’s coming through –

Me: No- the day that he did it.

FELIX: Oh yeah yeah.

Why does he have an accent? He’s like playing around with accents?

Did he do this for fun?

[skip]

Felix: Oh. Did you find some things out after he passed that you didn’t know?

Me: Um….

FELIX: Cuz he feels like.. I don’t know…

Me: Just some things like he had a lot of anger towards other people that he never expressed- things like that.

FELIX: Yeah. That’s what he’s showing me. Things that you wouldn’t have known. And  you were like why didn’t he talk to me about it? And he’s just saying that.

Me: Yeah. I always wanted him to talk to me about those things but he didn’t.

Felix: Can I tell you something? He says that he always knew that he wasn’t going to live till he was very old. He actually told people that. He told some people that.

Me: Really?

Felix: He says “Felix, I’m still growing here. Coming through here -it wasn’t easy, coming through this tunnel. But I got here. It’s not time as you guys know it.” He’s mad at- not mad- he’s a little bit – did someone say to you that he was in a  bad place?

Me: I’m sure someone over the last year has said…

FELIX: Like a psychic you went to. That you would have  thought “oh my gosh, I can’t believe they said that.”

Me: Um…

Felix: Cuz he’s making me feel like it’s not true. He’s saying “I’m ok.”

Me: Yeah, I totally believe he’s ok. Yeah I know he’s ok.

Felix: Questions you want to ask him?

Me: Why didn’t he work on these issues while he was alive?

Felix: He says “I thought it was the easy way out.”

Me: Just to kill himself?

FELIX:  “He said honestly I thought I was going to experience bliss right away and it didn’t happen that way. “

Me: Oh

FELIX: He says to anyone whose thinking of doing this – it’s not the way it works.

Me: Oh, what happened to him?

FELIX: Well, when he crossed himself over he felt all the pain that he caused. He has to feel it. It’s not fun.

Me: No.

FELIX: A lot of people think oh- you know what?  I can  validate this – cuz I was talking to a guy on the phone. His wife had passed from Leukemia and I brought her through and everything and he said “you know Felix…”  oh –  she said “you can’t come over here yet. – it’s not, you can’t do this, you can’t do this.” And he said- “Felix I was so close to jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge a few months ago but a voice in my head said you will not see her if you do this.” And it’s like, well…I’m not saying he’s going to hell, but it’s not that simple {snapping his fingers}.

Me: Oh, ok, ok. Cuz I thought that it was- that he was fine and…

Felix: Yeah, he’s fine, but in time, he had to work through it all. That’s what he’s showing me.

Me: Wow.

Felix: Everybody knew him by his eyes…

Me: His eyes are just-

Felix: AMAZING eyes-

Me: I miss his eyes..

Felix: He’s saying like “his eyes..”

Me: Yeah. They’re the best.

Felix: Is there another John in his family? Cuz he’s saying John John. So there’s two of them.

Me: Yeah, his dad’s name is John.

Felix: He’s acknowledging his dad.

Me: So what am I supposed to do now without him?

Felix: He says “you’re not without me.” He says “Felix tell her that we came together with a specific purpose. I didn’t know it, she didn’t know it. He says “I’ll always be there for her.” He says “she’s going to get married.”

Me: Yeah right.

Felix: You’re gonna get married. You’re gonna find someone. You don’t have anyone right now because you’re focusing on school…work…

Me: Well, he’s a tough guy to get over. So…

Felix: Well he says “you won’t get over me, but you’ll move through it. You’ll move through it. There’s never gonna be a ‘get over him.’ But he says “it wasn’t meant to be in this time.” You guys had a past life together, you know that. Past life connection.

Me: Yeah we had many.

Felix: Many, cuz that’s what he’s showing me. He says he understands your anger.

Me: I’m not that angry at him-

Felix: You were before.

Me: – I’m angry at the universe. Not at him.

Felix: Well when you thank the universe for what you had with him, the universe will respond in kind. That’s what he just said. Word for word. “When she’s thankful to the universe for this, then the universe Felix will respond to her in kind. It’s up to her. You can’t tell her Felix, I can’t tell her. No one can make her do anything.

[me laughing]

And this is why she’s so talented cuz she knows this. And this is why Felix, she’s going to help so many people. Suicide is not what people think it is Felix.”

Felix: Then tell me what is it?

“It’s a longing to go home. But it’s not wanting to die because home is not death. We know that. What keeps us here is a grounding and when we’re not grounded we’re in that zone where things happen, accidents, suicides, i’ts all in the same energy field.” He says “I’ve been studying this over here.”

Me: So have I {laughing}

Felix: Well he’s been studying with you.

Me: Mm hmm.

Felix: Did he have boots?

Me: Boots? You mean like shoes?

FELIX: Yeah, like boots. Why is he saying “boots” to me? Is boots like a name, a nickname?

S: Not that I know of, but he was from Texas and Oklahoma so maybe, there’s something there…

FELIX: Ok, from when he was a kid. He’s showing his boots. {snapping} When he was a little kid he actually dressed like a cowboy.

Me: Oh- he was a cowboy!

FELIX:  Oh, cuz he’s saying “ It’s me!” I’m thinking is it her? Where you with her when she bought- he’s saying “No! it’s me!”

Me: Yeah, he was a cowboy.

FELIX: Cuz he’s showing me a little young- cowboy boots, and a hat and horses.

Me: Mm hm yep, yep.

Felix: He says “caballo.” He’s trying to speak Spanish here.

Me: {Laughing}

FELIX: Doesn’t that sound like him? He’s like “caballo…”

Me: He used to try and speak Spanish…well, he had a lot of humor but a lot of it was blocked because of whatever psychological and neurological shit was going on with him, so I didn’t really get to know him that way because he was so serious, trying to be so good…

FELIX: Right.

[skip to]

Me: I just get really sad because I know I have a long life ahead of me, I know that, and its just a long–

FELIX: Well stop looking at it that way. Look at it like, today. You don’t have a long life. You have today.

Me: Well every day is a day without John.

FELIX: I understand that. It’s still fresh.

Me: What I want to know is, how can I increase my communication with John? How can I know that he’s there? How can I not feel alone when I feel alone?

FELIX: See, everything is vibration. If I were sad, depressed right now, I couldn’t communicate with him. I couldn’t. It would be very difficult. I could try but you have to be in a place where you’re in a higher vibration cuz that’s how they resonate- very high vibration. If I’m really low its gonna take them extra work to go down there. They can, that’s when people are sleeping or depressed they dream about their loved one, but when you’re feeling good about life and you’re feeling like you know what- I do miss John, maybe I will always miss him, but I can’t stop. I must look up to the joys of life and remember that god, aside from John, lives inside me, and that I’m connected to this love called god, called love. It’s love. When you find this essence again and bring that back you’ll start to experience John in a different way. See what’s happened is, he’s superseded you, you’re sort of feeling left behind.

Me: Yeah.

FELIX: And he can’t go down and make you come up, you’ve got to do that yourself. But when you do, you resonate with him more, cuz he’s no longer where you are. So I’m not saying be artificial about it and pretend you’re happy. But work on doing things for yourself to bring yourself a little more joy and in that you raise your vibration, and when you raise your vibration- like right now I can feel chills- it’s because what I’m saying is what they’re giving to me and I hear it.

Me: Yeah.

FELIX: Its all energy. It’s all thought and when you resonate and you’re in that zone that we’re talking about then he has access to you.

Something is Calling

July 20, 2010

I’ve been circling around writing for the past few days, not really sure what wants to come through; so many thoughts, so many experiences, so many ideas. Something is brewing, something wants to come out. I feel it in the pit of my stomach, and I wish it would just emerge.

Something to do with my friend and colleague leaving me a message today about one of his clients choosing suicide. Something about having a dear friend all the way on the other side of the world feeling homesick.

Homesickness, that dislocated and unsettled feeling that doesn’t lessen even when you place more attention on it. I hadn’t really thought about that word in quite a long time; reminds me of sleep away camp. Homesickness must be tied to spiritual seeking. We are all (well most of us) homesick on some level, searching for a way to plug in, straight to a source, and feel like we’re home….

Something to do with dancing….dancing like everything’s alright.

I’m working on transcribing the first session I had with Felix (the SF based medium). I will have that up soon, but for now I should probably go to bed….

I love that when John laughed, he laughed with his whole body and you couldn’t tell whether he was laughing, crying, or praying.