Love You Like the Sky

July 15, 2010

As some of you may know, I have spent the last year writing a book about John, suicide, and grief. The book is called Love You like the Sky and it is a series of emails written, addressed, and literally sent to John’s old Yahoo account. The story starts in chronological order and recounts our relationship, John’s specialness, his descent into darkness and death, and my experience with my grief and wanting to die and join him in death. If read as a whole, the reader won’t know why I am writing to John and what has happened to him. You, reading this blog, will know of course….I don’t write much about the spiritual, more New-Agey, life-after death stuff in the book. I intentionally wanted to keep it a little more mainstream (if that’s even possible for me…)

Love You Like the Sky is about my worst fear coming true and how I reconciled my desire to be with John in death with my profound awareness of the pain suicide causes, a pain so life shattering I could never knowingly inflict it on anyone. I write of feeling trapped in my life only to survive the rest of my years without him and about the agony of waiting to see him again in death. I write to John of my anger at him and at life and how, eventually, by fully embodying my grief, I found my inner strength and will to live. My focus shifted from longing to be with him to reclaiming the life and power I allowed him to steal from me.

The book is still a work in progress…I’m constantly editing, reorganizing, and struggling with typical writer’s doubt and criticism.I was not alone in writing this, John has been with me and we have been working on this together. Writing this has been one of the most healing and therapeutic things I could have done. It’s helped me connect with John, feel, heal, understand, and purge in ways I couldn’t have otherwise. Truly miraculous (also excruciatingly hard).

Each excerpt I share is an email I sent to John, so you will see a date and subject. For now I’m going to flip the postings of this post and the next one, so that this intro will appear before the following excerpt.

Thank you for reading. (and I welcome any feedback about how the writing could be better)

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