“Longing to Go Home”

July 20, 2010

I just finished transcribing parts of the first session that I had with Felix Lee Lerma – a San Francisco based medium whom I highly recommend! (He does phone sessions also). I had my first session with Felix back in February when he came to Los Angeles. I left that session on a high, a contact high I guess, and I felt so light and reassured. A real sense of peace and trustfulness came over me from knowing and hearing from John in this way.

I didn’t transcribe the whole session; there were lots of random details and names that Felix asked about, and there was a whole portion where my paternal grandmother came through and was talking with her heavy New York inflection (which was hilarious). I wanted to keep the transcript relevant to this blog and not bore you with the idiographic stuff. Some of the details that Felix pulled out of seemingly thin air, were astounding.

I invite you to keep an open mind as you read further!

Felix: I feel like I have to bring through someone who passes very suddenly. Like Boom (snaps fingers). No warning. That’s the feeling that I’m getting.

Me: Yeah.

Felix: And with this comes this very playful energy. You know what I mean? Like kinda goofy in a way. Very goofy and funny.

Me: Uh huh and cute.

Felix (rubs his hands together). And like he’s sitting next to you right there. So I want to ask him for some more information here. He’s got his arm around you, like you were very special to him.

Me: Uh huh.

Felix: Like, I want to say “close friend” or I don’t know I feel like he’s pulling you in. You understand that?

Me: Uh huh.

Felix: So there’s someone to your side. {Long Pause} What happened to him up here? [pointing to his forehead] Why do I feel all of a sudden like BOOM. Like {hands slapping}

Me: Well it could be a couple of things, I don’t know how much you want me to tell you..

Felix: [exhaling strongly] Ok, let me, before you tell me let me first confirm with him what he’s showing me.  Is this person like a friend? Very close friend..like I wanta say like close.

Me: Well, yeah he was my boyfriend.

Felix: Yeah. It’s like close. It’s not just like buddy. It’s…he’s hugging you.

Me: No – he’s the – yeah…

Felix: Do you have a card he gave you? You keep reading this?

Me: I have a –

FELIX: He’s showing me something that you always read. It’s like you look at it.

Me: There are several things that I always-

FELIX: It’s like you’re always reading it. It’s from him. He just makes me feel like I need to acknowledge this.

Me: It could be a letter that he wrote before he passed…

Felix: {speaking to himself} So show me what happened to you? {To me} I’m asking for his energy to come in closer, I want to feel it more. Ok…

Was there a high speed impact with his passing? Cuz it’s like BOOM {clapping}. Pshooo. I just feel like everything  just you know what I mean (hand gestures) …or like an accident, like something came at him….it’s like that’s what I feel….

Me: A train.

Felix: ohh. Ok. Whatever it was, it happened so quickly {snapping}. He left his body very suddenly and I don’t feel like he felt a thing.

Me: Ok {crying}

Felix: I just want you to know that. Was he – oh god. Did he cause this himself because I feel like he’s making me feel like- he took- like he’s taking responsibility for how he passes cuz I don’t feel like it was an accident. I said accident and he says “No Felix.” He has his head down like he’s not proud.

Me: It was a suicide.

Felix: Cuz he’s not proud of how it happened. And I thought oh I must have said something wrong and he said no. But you know what? He wants you to know that he’s happy now. I have to tell you something- there’s something different about his mind, the way he worked, up here {pointing to head}. He says “I understand dad now” whatever that means. So he understands what happened with his dad or he understands his father now. I don’t know if there was something lingering or if there was something that—

Me: His dad used to abuse him when he was younger but I mean…

Felix: “Abuse” I think is a soft word for it.

Me: Really?

Felix: That’s what he’s showing me. He says “tell her I love her and” Ok… He said that he actually said he was going to do something like this, but someone didn’t believe him.

Me: I…he didn’t tell me., cuz I asked him the week before…

Felix: Someone, someone he told, who was a guy.

Me: A friend? His therapist?

Felix: No.

Me: A friend of his?

Felix: Yes.

Me: A male friend?

Felix: Yes.

Me: I’ve spoken to all his friends…none of them told me.

Felix: Whose Anthony or Andrew? A- “A” name? A-N, An…

Me: Adam?

Felix: Whose Adam?!

Me: Adam is a friend of his…

Felix: He’s making me feel like it’s not important that- he says “Felix I told this person jokingly”  – that’s how he’s making me feel—and they didn’t really believe him.

Me: Oh ok…well was he wanting to do this? Did he really want to die?

Felix: Let me tell you something. I’m asking him to show me like- I want him to take me to that day, that day that this happened. I want to ask him to show me what was going on in his mind. I want him to show me. Come on sir, show me what was going on in your mind. He says “I couldn’t think clearly.” He’s taking something. Did he like drink before this? Cuz he’s making me feel like he took something.

Me: Pills..? Ambien…?

Felix:  Some medication…he was on…

Me: Anti-depressants?

Felix: Was he on an antidepressant?!

Me: No, but they tried to put him on it the last week…um, it was… he had narcolepsy…

Felix: Something he took! I don’t know, it made him very like numb.

Me: The day that he did this?

FELIX: The day that he did this, the day before, the day or the day before. That’s what he’s showing me. Like I don’t feel right in the head, I don’t feel like I can think rationally.

Me: So a couple of days before he did start taking anti-depressants…was it that?

Felix: He said “it didn’t help me Felix. I felt numb. I didn’t…I felt numb.” Like, do you know what I mean? That’s what he’s showing me.

Me: Yeah.

Felix: Do you have something that belongs to him or a photograph?

Me: I have both.

Felix: can you take that out please. He wants me to hold on to something. He says “Felix you need to hold on to something that is mine or that is me.”

{I give him a photograph}

Felix: Thank you. Ok young man you’re going to have to work really hard with me. Um I just want you to know that this had ABOLUTELY nothing to do with you. You know that?

Me: Mm hm.

Felix: Cuz he’s saying “ She needs to know, she needs to know! It’s not her. It’s not her!”

Me: But I wish there was something I could have done to save him.

Felix: He says “No Felix.” Why is he playing Pink Floyd music?

Me: I don’t know. Wish You Were Here is one of my favorite songs.

Felix: Pink Floyd. I don’t know the names of these songs, I just hear- I’m seeing the Dark Side of the Moon Poster…

Me: Yeah.

Felix: …prism..

Me: Maybe he went to the dark side…? Maybe…?

FELIX: Mmm. No no no. Cuz he’s ok, he’s he’s coming through –

Me: No- the day that he did it.

FELIX: Oh yeah yeah.

Why does he have an accent? He’s like playing around with accents?

Did he do this for fun?


Felix: Oh. Did you find some things out after he passed that you didn’t know?

Me: Um….

FELIX: Cuz he feels like.. I don’t know…

Me: Just some things like he had a lot of anger towards other people that he never expressed- things like that.

FELIX: Yeah. That’s what he’s showing me. Things that you wouldn’t have known. And  you were like why didn’t he talk to me about it? And he’s just saying that.

Me: Yeah. I always wanted him to talk to me about those things but he didn’t.

Felix: Can I tell you something? He says that he always knew that he wasn’t going to live till he was very old. He actually told people that. He told some people that.

Me: Really?

Felix: He says “Felix, I’m still growing here. Coming through here -it wasn’t easy, coming through this tunnel. But I got here. It’s not time as you guys know it.” He’s mad at- not mad- he’s a little bit – did someone say to you that he was in a  bad place?

Me: I’m sure someone over the last year has said…

FELIX: Like a psychic you went to. That you would have  thought “oh my gosh, I can’t believe they said that.”

Me: Um…

Felix: Cuz he’s making me feel like it’s not true. He’s saying “I’m ok.”

Me: Yeah, I totally believe he’s ok. Yeah I know he’s ok.

Felix: Questions you want to ask him?

Me: Why didn’t he work on these issues while he was alive?

Felix: He says “I thought it was the easy way out.”

Me: Just to kill himself?

FELIX:  “He said honestly I thought I was going to experience bliss right away and it didn’t happen that way. “

Me: Oh

FELIX: He says to anyone whose thinking of doing this – it’s not the way it works.

Me: Oh, what happened to him?

FELIX: Well, when he crossed himself over he felt all the pain that he caused. He has to feel it. It’s not fun.

Me: No.

FELIX: A lot of people think oh- you know what?  I can  validate this – cuz I was talking to a guy on the phone. His wife had passed from Leukemia and I brought her through and everything and he said “you know Felix…”  oh –  she said “you can’t come over here yet. – it’s not, you can’t do this, you can’t do this.” And he said- “Felix I was so close to jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge a few months ago but a voice in my head said you will not see her if you do this.” And it’s like, well…I’m not saying he’s going to hell, but it’s not that simple {snapping his fingers}.

Me: Oh, ok, ok. Cuz I thought that it was- that he was fine and…

Felix: Yeah, he’s fine, but in time, he had to work through it all. That’s what he’s showing me.

Me: Wow.

Felix: Everybody knew him by his eyes…

Me: His eyes are just-

Felix: AMAZING eyes-

Me: I miss his eyes..

Felix: He’s saying like “his eyes..”

Me: Yeah. They’re the best.

Felix: Is there another John in his family? Cuz he’s saying John John. So there’s two of them.

Me: Yeah, his dad’s name is John.

Felix: He’s acknowledging his dad.

Me: So what am I supposed to do now without him?

Felix: He says “you’re not without me.” He says “Felix tell her that we came together with a specific purpose. I didn’t know it, she didn’t know it. He says “I’ll always be there for her.” He says “she’s going to get married.”

Me: Yeah right.

Felix: You’re gonna get married. You’re gonna find someone. You don’t have anyone right now because you’re focusing on school…work…

Me: Well, he’s a tough guy to get over. So…

Felix: Well he says “you won’t get over me, but you’ll move through it. You’ll move through it. There’s never gonna be a ‘get over him.’ But he says “it wasn’t meant to be in this time.” You guys had a past life together, you know that. Past life connection.

Me: Yeah we had many.

Felix: Many, cuz that’s what he’s showing me. He says he understands your anger.

Me: I’m not that angry at him-

Felix: You were before.

Me: – I’m angry at the universe. Not at him.

Felix: Well when you thank the universe for what you had with him, the universe will respond in kind. That’s what he just said. Word for word. “When she’s thankful to the universe for this, then the universe Felix will respond to her in kind. It’s up to her. You can’t tell her Felix, I can’t tell her. No one can make her do anything.

[me laughing]

And this is why she’s so talented cuz she knows this. And this is why Felix, she’s going to help so many people. Suicide is not what people think it is Felix.”

Felix: Then tell me what is it?

“It’s a longing to go home. But it’s not wanting to die because home is not death. We know that. What keeps us here is a grounding and when we’re not grounded we’re in that zone where things happen, accidents, suicides, i’ts all in the same energy field.” He says “I’ve been studying this over here.”

Me: So have I {laughing}

Felix: Well he’s been studying with you.

Me: Mm hmm.

Felix: Did he have boots?

Me: Boots? You mean like shoes?

FELIX: Yeah, like boots. Why is he saying “boots” to me? Is boots like a name, a nickname?

S: Not that I know of, but he was from Texas and Oklahoma so maybe, there’s something there…

FELIX: Ok, from when he was a kid. He’s showing his boots. {snapping} When he was a little kid he actually dressed like a cowboy.

Me: Oh- he was a cowboy!

FELIX:  Oh, cuz he’s saying “ It’s me!” I’m thinking is it her? Where you with her when she bought- he’s saying “No! it’s me!”

Me: Yeah, he was a cowboy.

FELIX: Cuz he’s showing me a little young- cowboy boots, and a hat and horses.

Me: Mm hm yep, yep.

Felix: He says “caballo.” He’s trying to speak Spanish here.

Me: {Laughing}

FELIX: Doesn’t that sound like him? He’s like “caballo…”

Me: He used to try and speak Spanish…well, he had a lot of humor but a lot of it was blocked because of whatever psychological and neurological shit was going on with him, so I didn’t really get to know him that way because he was so serious, trying to be so good…

FELIX: Right.

[skip to]

Me: I just get really sad because I know I have a long life ahead of me, I know that, and its just a long–

FELIX: Well stop looking at it that way. Look at it like, today. You don’t have a long life. You have today.

Me: Well every day is a day without John.

FELIX: I understand that. It’s still fresh.

Me: What I want to know is, how can I increase my communication with John? How can I know that he’s there? How can I not feel alone when I feel alone?

FELIX: See, everything is vibration. If I were sad, depressed right now, I couldn’t communicate with him. I couldn’t. It would be very difficult. I could try but you have to be in a place where you’re in a higher vibration cuz that’s how they resonate- very high vibration. If I’m really low its gonna take them extra work to go down there. They can, that’s when people are sleeping or depressed they dream about their loved one, but when you’re feeling good about life and you’re feeling like you know what- I do miss John, maybe I will always miss him, but I can’t stop. I must look up to the joys of life and remember that god, aside from John, lives inside me, and that I’m connected to this love called god, called love. It’s love. When you find this essence again and bring that back you’ll start to experience John in a different way. See what’s happened is, he’s superseded you, you’re sort of feeling left behind.

Me: Yeah.

FELIX: And he can’t go down and make you come up, you’ve got to do that yourself. But when you do, you resonate with him more, cuz he’s no longer where you are. So I’m not saying be artificial about it and pretend you’re happy. But work on doing things for yourself to bring yourself a little more joy and in that you raise your vibration, and when you raise your vibration- like right now I can feel chills- it’s because what I’m saying is what they’re giving to me and I hear it.

Me: Yeah.

FELIX: Its all energy. It’s all thought and when you resonate and you’re in that zone that we’re talking about then he has access to you.


10 Responses to ““Longing to Go Home””

  1. christine said

    Your journey of healing and reflections on this site are gifts to yourself and others. May we all be free. Blessings, Christine

  2. Kate said

    Wow. I just came to this blog a few minutes ago and I can relate to everything you have beautifully written here. I am a woman in my mid-30s and lost my ex-boyfriend (we had been on and off – he was still my best friend) to a very unexpected suicide 6 months ago. I also went to a medium and he came through strongly. That was reassuring but as you know this journey is still so damn hard. And we have our whole lives ahead of us. The question is how do you LIVE in the wake of this. I look forward to reading more…May both of us heal in time.

    • Thank you kate. So glad you found this site. I am writing for you and others of us out there. I’m so sorry about your best friend/boyfriend. the shock and suddeness alone is enough to push someone over the edge. i am trying to stay away from giving advice, b/c i just don’t like advice especially when it comes to what it’s like to live through this, but what i will say is, hold on. hold on. i have healed and continue to heal, and i am working towards writing about it, but first i have to write about what the pain is like, what the darkness is like. i hope you will keep reading. glad to have another companion on the journey!

  3. Kate said

    I am holding on. Actually doing better than I would have thought. I am strong as I see you are. We’re not curled up in the corner, though I was curled up a lot in my bed for many hours the first few months. I’m a writer as well and writing in my journal has helped. Also the signs from him have helped. I’m addicted to the blog http://www.channelingerik.com which I see you know. I know I will become addicted to this blog too. We just want to all know we’re not alone, there are others who understand and that there IS (what I have witnessed in the past few months leaves me no doubt) an afterlife or rather eternal life. Hang in there! K.

    • You are most welcome at this blog! We are not alone…but over a year ago when john passed, there were no sites or books that i could find, no one who was experiencing or writing about the spiritual aspects of the suicide and afterlife. that’s why i started writing my book, b/c i felt so alone in what i was going through, and surely others out there were going through something similar. i’m glad channelingerik and this site are now available as resources.
      keep up that strength!
      oh and the signs from john and confirmations about an afterlife are so very helpful. When john first passed I kept a journal and a list of all of them. I don’t know if i could have held on without those signs. I should probably post some of that….

  4. Kate said

    Something I’d like to ask…The suicide of a significant other is among the very worst things anyone can experience. I have a friend who always says, you will never experience anything worse than this. But I fear I might…down the road. The only thing worse I would think would be my own child doing this or another person in my life doing this. I never knew anyone who commited suicide and almost none of my friends or family have known anyone. Do you have a fear of it happening again? Do you feel like nothing could be worse?

    • Kate,
      This is a tremendous question. I remember within the first 6 months of John passing I feared that worse things would come down the pipeline for me in my future, cuz I believed ‘hey we’re only given what we can handle’ and so if i had/have the where-with-all or ability to handle this then sh*t what kind of curveball will life throw me next? cuz in life stuff just keeps happening, change is a constant, it’s ineveitable. right? And so i used to fear that something similar or worse would happen over the course of my life. Now I don’t fear it. I know that if something were to happen my reactions, responses, and feelings towards it would be drastically different because i have already gone through hell and survived. nothing could rattle my orbit the way that being privy to a loved ones suicide has. the first shocker is the killer. i know i can handle anything. now my way of being is so different than before john died, and its a lot better equipped to handle death. the boundaries between this world and the other side are a lot more fluid, there is nothing to fear anymore. And sometimes i say, “what’s the worst that could happen? i die and get to see john?” 🙂 there is no worse pain then what i have felt. and nothing ever in my life will even hold a candle to it. nothing could. if i have survived this, i know i can survive anything.
      i hope that answers your question. Thank you for asking 🙂 I look forward to any others you might have.

  5. John said

    I am crying. This weekend I went out with some friends and we got to talking about life. One of the things that I kept being reminded of was how powerful and healing honesty can be. Your blog has reminded me of this. I word from the transcript jumped off the page right into me heart. Right now I am too emotional to communicate more, but thank you for sharing. I hope I am not annoying you with my praise. I can’t help it, I have to express it.

    • John, I hope your tears were healing and cleansing ones and that something that needed to be cleared was released. You are not annoying me at all. I’m grateful for your comments, your resonance, and your contribution to the conversation. Wishing you peace….

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