string of moments

August 7, 2010

Today on my way back from rollerblading on the beach, i carried a skate in each hand and walked barefoot through the sand. A crowd of people were gathered in a circle. Portable tables and folding chairs held in place by bags of food were set up a short distance away. A biker going by called out “Is it a funeral?” I stepped a little closer to see.  In the center of the crowd stood a man and a woman dressed in a white wedding dress. As i walked past, the group began to singing softly yet passionately: “And we’ll share this moment… together. And I’ll always love you…forever.” (you know that song Always & Forever, but with a wee twist)

It felt to me like some sort of sign. a low maintenance wedding abundant with love and harmony, and i happened to be walking by just at this precious moment…and i did share it with them, together. what that sign is, i don’t quite know.

i never was really a believer in signs or things like that. but after john’s passing, everything cracked. in my in-between-world state things that used to seem mundane, somehow suddenly, magically became imbued with spirit, with meaning and significance. Like the moment a bird flies across my path, or leaves brush on my head, or the right song plays on the radio at the right time, the wind blowing as if in answer to a particular thought…all have significance, and are all interconnected with me, to me, and through me.

In the cracking of realities, everything shifted. the boundaries between this world and the other side, the realm of spirit, became blurred. and in the depths of this fissure i could feel the pain of everyone and all the sorrow and suffering of the world. it swallowed me up into hell, defying and daring me to hold on as tightly as i can for as long as possible: weeks, months, years, the rest of my life.

And somehow the little things, the birds, the sun, the waves, the songs, the happenstance weddings i stumble upon, the ladybugs at my feet, the flickering of lights in my room, the rainbows, the perfect movie my tv happens to be on …all have a mystical message for me. It’s all significant. the year of magical thinking has become a life of magical seeing. and it’s a bittersweet gift.

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