my healing process ((Part II))

August 22, 2010

Immediately after John passed, that night in fact, I had communication with him. I have always had natural psychic abilities and experiences from early on, but because whenever I had shared these with people, I was often branded crazy – I had sort of dismissed my abilities and shoved them under a rug. But things had changed, I was living out in California amongst like minded and abled people where these things are quite common and acceptable, and using my extrasensory senses was what would help me talk to John. So part of my daily practice was to sit down every morning and talk to John and try and develop my clairaudience abilities (the psychic sense of hearing- which I know is my strongest ability)- by just listening to whatever thoughts came in my head.

For many months I struggled with doubts about what I was hearing and receiving. I thought that I was probably making things up and that the things I was hearing were obviously not John and even if it was John I was missing a lot of what he was actually saying, it was like I could only make out a few things here and there and the things I was hearing were only what I wanted to hear. I struggled with my own innate and New York conditioned skepticism and doubt, especially self-doubt. My mental filter was still too strong. It was like on top of all the grief and pain I was experiencing I was struggling with calling myself “crazy” for “hearing” and communicating with John- surely I was insane and none of this was real, and I couldn’t trust my intuitive or clairaudient abilities even though I have had so many varying experiences over the years and so much proof with my own eyes…i kept asking for more “bizarre” contact and proof that John was still alive because my mental, rational, old way of being, all of my conditioning, and all the criticism I had received and internalized over the years had such a strong hold over me and wouldn’t let me believe or allow or have faith.

And now I’m happy to say that this part of me has died, another odd gift of John’s/my death. But I had to work on this, actively. I kept asking John for signs of his presence– and they would come – like electricity blowing out in my kitchen, or candles exploding, and many others– but I also worked on this process in therapy : understanding the origins of all this need for “proof” and analysis and making sure everything was rational and sane…and learning and acknowledging what purpose that role had served in my life- how it was a necessary adaption and one that, given my current situation, was just no longer relevant.

I also worked on my doubt with Liv, the shaman. She assured me that all of my abilities and experiences were real and in fact were coming from John, time and time again. She and I practiced my communication with him together and she confirmed that what I was hearing was in fact what was being said. She was the one who pointed out that the only thing blocking me was my mind which was acting as a “filter”  and blocking the flow of messages from John and Spirit. It was like opening up to the signals instead of negating what I was receiving before I even let it have a chance to come through. I just had to TRUST a little and let it be and see what happened. Often times I would hear songs in the air right before they came on or words that were right about to be spoken. So for me, practicing this ability was not so much about practicing “making” things up or guessing but more about practicing getting out of my own way and allowing what is already there to move through me without me stonewalling it. It was a deeper practice of allowing, trusting, and believing (especially in myself) – which of course healed and continues to heal all aspects of my life and facilitates exponential growth spurts. And so every morning I asked for guidance around letting go of my mental filter and for help releasing doubts, skepticism, and cynicism so that I could open to and receive and flow with whatever communication and guidance I was receiving.

I also read a bunch of books about channeling and ‘how to’ be a medium, and about shamanism. These were helpful too – in terms of practical techniques, anecdotal evidence for my questioning mind, and to also provide context and “theory” for what I was studying. The more I read the more it opened up my imagination and that was crucial in developing these abilities because John would share with me things that he is/was doing over there on the other side that I would have no reference point for or no way of imagining from my limited perspective, so I had to keep taking my imagination to places it had never been or seen.

Next time, I’ll write about my daily practices, what I did, and what they were about.

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