arguing with fate

September 6, 2010

How do I describe the anguish of loving someone so fully, with all your heart and all your soul — that you would literally die to be with them, only to have it not work out the way you had hoped? It’s like hot, seething lava that spreads from my chest down into my gut filling me with longing and frustration; pain bubbling through my bloodstream, making me want to scream. Why didn’t it work out? Why couldn’t we just be together, peacefully, easily? If only it could have.

I see an image of two lovers, one standing on the shore of one continent, and the other standing on the shore of another. They stand gazing at each other as their respective land masses drift apart and the ocean between them grows larger and larger. This image floating in my mind’s eye has haunted me since I was a teenager. I guess it’s one of the blueprints of my life, perhaps it was a premonition of things to come. *Exhale*

It’s taken me a long time to come to this kind of understanding and acceptance, but these days I’m a big believer in fate, destiny, and “meant to be.” Like, if it was meant to be, then it would be – and things always have a way of working out for the best. I know this can sometimes come across as harsh or overly simplistic, but the wise part of me truly believes this. I trust this, I know this. For whatever reason, John and I were not meant to be as romantic partners in this lifetime. Maybe some greater love is coming for me down the pipeline, I don’t know. Maybe all will be uncovered in time. I don’t know. Maybe it will all make perfect sense in hindsight, or all will revealed when I cross over and have my big “after party.” Who knows? And that doesn’t mean that I can’t still feel the tortured, angsty, anguish of my unfulfilled love. I can still argue with my fate, can’t I? And I can still lose, every time.

Back when I was a teenager, this song inspired my vision of two lovers being torn apart. It’s beautiful, tragic, haunting:best listened to with lights off and great for releasing healing tears. The more we cry, the more we heal.

Ah to be human and to love ….

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2 Responses to “arguing with fate”

  1. Kate said

    Just wanted to stop in and say that I frequently check in on your blog as I struggle with my own loss to suicide. While I have been open to grieving and working through my feelings and acknowledging it since my loved one took his life in the winter, I feel like another wave has come upon me. Did you feel that too as it got closer and closer to a year? Do you think that suicide was John’s destiny? Do you think it is anyone’s destiny? That’s one of the issues I think about a lot. I don’t think it was my loved one’s destiny and that’s what I seemingly have been told when I went to a medium and I don’t know why I am so stuck on that issue. Maybe because by his act, he changed my own destiny substantially. Keep up the good work. I wrote a bit after he passed but haven’t been able to for months, might start again. Am looking into EMDR for my grief. Did you try that?

    K.

    • Hi Kate,

      Thanks for writing and checking in on my blog as you do….I am sorry another wave of grief has come up for you. If you don’t mind – I would like to answer your questions in the next blog post because i have a feeling it will be a looong answer….and i’m sure others in similar situations would benefit from your questions. Thank you for your encouragement and I know the wave will pass.
      love,
      s

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