letting go….or not…..

September 28, 2010

Since I posed the question about letting go in my last blog entry, the universe has answered me in many different ways — through email messages, sets of songs on the radio, news updates on Facebook, and through John….

And the message that I am getting is that while I can let go of my past, the trauma of John’s suicide, and my grief, I can’t actually fully let go of loving John; it’s just not possible and there is no need to. I will love John forever and he is a vital part of my life and my journey here on Earth. Whew. What a relief! I was very saddened by the idea that I need to let go of him entirely in order to move forward into a new relationship.

I want to share a lovely and eloquently written email I received from a reader and friend in response to my last post. The message holds much wisdom and really rang true for me so I thought you sisters out there experiencing any kind of loss or heartbreak might appreciate it, so with her permission of course — I’m sharing it below.

The response comes from Iva out there in Croatia!

Just read your last entry…. felt compelled to reply for some reason.

Truth is, I have no answer for letting go. I get overwhelmed just trying to grasp the notion. For me personally (and I by no means am comparing the end of my love affair to your loss), letting go has not been willing through any stage of my journey of healing. It just…sort of… happens. In tiny ways and catches you off guard when you least expect it, basically when you have already given up on it ever happening and start to make peace with the fact that a part of you will always be pulling backwards.

I’ll tell you a story. Since the first day that Lee crushed me and walked away I have been waiting for the magical day that I no longer think of him in. I was not being realistic and it was my first and remains the only major break up; I expected it to be literally in a matter of weeks. Of course it wasn’t. I’d wake up in agony over having dreamed him, or having imagined he’d be in bed next to me when I awoke and the horrid reality would hit. The love I felt (and continue to feel) would constipate me at those moments, I had no release for it but the occasional light bolts of poetry or even writing him – letter upon letter which I knew I’d never send. Then close to a year later I went on a holiday with some dear friends. It was just 3 days away but I really love these girls and don’t get to see them often as one lives in England. So the second day I woke up and realized that a whole 24 hours had gone by without me giving Lee a thought. I truly marked the calender as it was the first minuscule step in my goal to let go.

To be honest Sarah, I don’t think it is consciously possible to accomplish. Not with that type of love. I’m not saying this to depress you, quite the opposite: I’m saying so to comfort you and reassure you that you’re not doing anything wrong, aren’t stuck nor going backwards. It is just something we cannot have control over (and this coming from a control freak so trust me, I know how frustrating that is). And on top of all this, letting go is not something that makes me very happy even when I DO make progress. In some ways, to me it equals forgetting. And that is NOT a good thing in my book. I need to remember, for my own selfish reasons and for the sake of my very identity which my former lover has shaped tremendously. So I fight it, at the cost of my own sanity. I reread emails, I make myself cry by still writing about him in my most intimate poetry, I look at pictures from vacations so long ago I can barely recognize who I was in those pictures.

And yet. Oblivion comes. Slowly and sneakily, it clouds first the small (yet oh so relevant) details, then bigger and more important aspects of the past. It pushes them aside more and more, as you experience and grow and love in the present. Until one day you find the thought of him only a painful jerk in your gut every once in a while. And then even that stops and you learn that maybe you have let go somewhere along the way.

Only you cannot for the life of you explain how this happened.

Thanks so much Iva!! Much love to you!!

What are your experiences, thoughts, or wisdom about letting go?


2 Responses to “letting go….or not…..”

  1. Shawna said

    Girl, I know how you feel and we don’t have to let go. I was drawn to your page through the channelingerik blog
    I loved this song. I bet you do too! 🙂

    Artist: Gokey Danny
    Song: I Will Not Say Goodbye
    Album: My Best Days

    Sometimes the road just ends
    It changes everything you’ve been
    And all that’s left to be
    Is empty, broken, lonely, hopin’
    I’m supposed to be strong
    I’m supposed to find a way to carry on

    I don’t wanna feel better
    I don’t wanna not remember
    I will always see your face
    In the shadows of this haunted place
    I will laugh
    I will cry
    Shake my fist at the sky
    But I will not say goodbye

    They keep saying time will heal
    But the pain just gets more real
    The sun comes up each day
    Finds me waiting, fading, hating, praying
    If I can keep on holding on
    Maybe I can keep my heart from knowing that you’re gone

    I don’t wanna feel better
    I don’t wanna not remember
    I will always see your face
    In the shadows of this haunted place
    I will laugh
    I will cry
    Shake my fist at the sky
    But I will not say goodbye

    I will curse
    I will pray
    I’ll relive everyday
    I will shoulder the blame
    I’ll shout out your name

    I will laugh
    I will cry
    Shake my fist at the sky
    But I will not say
    Will not say goodbye
    Will not say goodbye
    Will not say
    Love & Light,

    • Hey Shawna, thanks for posting this awesome song and for saying hi. I love the song. this was the first time i ever heard it, but it definitely hits the chords of grief so well. UGH. shaking our fists at the sky…nothing to do but surrender to the emptiness and the pain. So great to meet another fellow channelingerik family member! love to you, Sarah

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