Taking a little break

October 28, 2010

Dear Readers,

I’m taking a little break from this blog for now. My life has become a bit too intense and overwhelming, and I want to give myself a bit more space to process, enjoy, and balance the energies I am giving out to all my clients with the love and energy I give to myself. Not sure how long this will be, but in the meantime I wish you all peace and healing and strength and hope for whatever part of the journey you are on right now.

Much love,





To be played back to back. Kickin.




Lord. I’m your weary child.




October 16, 2010

I would do anything for you.

I’d give up my life to be with you.


You wouldn’t do the same for me.


what’s the rush?

October 15, 2010

“What’s the end goal? What’s your finish line?” A friend asked me yesterday after I told her about the delays in my book writing process. Why I am I rushing? Why is everything moving so fast? Why am I so focused and restless to finish my dissertation, get my book published, and work, and work and work?

My finish line is death, I told her. I need to get my work done here so I can get the right to die. I want to do it and I want to do it fast. I don’t have time to waste. Whatever my purpose for being here is, I need to fulfill it. And I need to fulfill it now. And now. Now. I still watch every day that goes by. Every day is still a day where I am separated from John. I can’t rest until I get to him. Everything I do is to work my program. For me, and to get to him. To get this life over and done with.

I know this might be scary. Maybe even morbid to some. After the tragedy, the loss of someone so magical, I can patch myself together, get on board with my purpose but I can’t forget my loss. I can’t forget how in an instance my life turned to night and I was wrenched; writhing in pain, guts bleeding on the floor. Somehow, time has allowed me to adjust to his absence, like tricking me back into the game. But I can’t forget. I’m determined to get to my finish line. As fast and as best as I can.

I wish I could take the short cut, but it seems I’m taking the long way home. I know I will get there one day. It’s just a matter of when. And in the meantime … there’s work to do.


2nd Year Anniversary Blues

October 11, 2010

To those of you who have survived past a second, third, or fourth anniversary of the loss of your loved one to suicide — what was it like for you? How did get through it?

This is new territory for me. I had thought that I had moved through a lot of grief, but some things are bubbling up to the surface and SOMETHING is rearing its ugly head. This time it feels different. It’s new. I’ve changed and so my way of seeing and feeling this loss has changed. I’m noticing anger and irritability at John. For the way he treated me in many respects. Bothered and almost disgusted by the way he abandoned me without consideration for our relationship or me. Resentful that he wasn’t able to appreciate me as I want to be appreciated. A lot of issues that I have/had with men in general are now being projected onto him because of his ultimate abandonment and betrayal. He shattered my trust in men. Though these feelings and thoughts are not new – they are coming up now in different ways. Lot’s of stress, chaos, and anger.

And yet, I still idealize him. I still love him. I still feel compassion and sorrow for his struggles and his life. I find myself flooded with grief and tears at the oddest moments. Having a hard time speaking about it and about him to others without tearing up. Having a hard time speaking about it to myself in my head without feeling sad and teary. So many conflicting, complicated, and complex emotions and ideas are vying to be seen and heard and are intersecting with one another in new ways. It’s hard to describe or explain, but it feels like a new perspective is molding – beyond my control.

John’s birthday was November 1st (All Saint’s Day).

He died six days later on November 7, 2008.

This is the season.

Anyone know what I’m going through or have you had any experiences with grief or acceptance around the second anniversary you would feel comfortable sharing? I’d love to hear them.

i couldn’t save you.

October 4, 2010

This past week, as part of my healing process, I undertook a week-long raw food cleanse and liver and gallbladder flush. Theory has it that the liver and gallbladder are the organs that store our anger and resentment. And this past week, as I was detoxing from caffeine, sugar, dairy, gluten, and all animal products…let me just say that we had one crazy week here in Los Angeles last week. With temperatures hitting as high as 117 degrees, and as I tried to navigate around town running a billion errands in bumper to bumper traffic, my anger, irritability, and impatience were at all time highs. It was a hectic, stressful, and cranky week, as a lot of my issues were coming up both on a physiological level and on an emotional level.

As part of this cleanse, every night, those of us who participated, were guided about the process on an hour-long phone call hosted by some amazing healing practitioners. On one of the nights we had a fantastic speaker named Josh Hathaway, a non-violence communicator practitioner, who spoke with us about how with all this anger being detoxed from the liver/gallbladder, it is important for us to embrace forgiveness.

He led us through a beautiful forgiveness meditation/visualization. On this inner journey, I reconnected with my heart and my compassion for myself. I was able to fully realize that while yes, other people out in the world were pushing my buttons and I was finding myself more and more irritated with the small things, that  was really just a symptom of my larger anger toward myself that was leaking out and being externalized in various ways.

Why was I so angry at myself? What would I forgive myself for?

I was angry at myself for not having been able to save John. For being human. And lord knows that rationally I have come to understand that I did so many things to try and help him. I even asked him the week before he died if he was thinking of suicide and if he had a plan. He told me no. And rationally I know the cold truth, that if someone really wants to kill themself, then there is nothing anyone can do to stop them or save them. And spiritually speaking, I know that it was John’s destiny to take his life, and it is my path to live on and work with suicide here on this plane with him helping me from the other side. Yet still, a subliminal and incessant anger towards myself, at my own sense of ineffectiveness and helplessness to be more than I am, to be better than I am pervades in the deepest recesses of my body.

It was through Josh’s guided meditation that I was able to fully see and feel this. When the truth of how I was beating up on myself came to the surface, tears flowed down my face. I was filled with love and compassion for myself for having done the best I could and for feeling so much pain through this loss. Some of my self-anger was released.

Because this process was so moving and powerful for my healing and has inched me a little bit further towards some more acceptance, I want to share with you some of what Josh said about forgiveness and share the guided visualization with the hopes that perhaps you will use it on yourself.

Here’s some points about forgiveness that Josh made:

Forgiveness is an act of power. It is an act of recognition and acceptance.

Forgiveness focuses on the human being, not the action, who has done something or triggered pain or harm in us in some way. Forgiveness focuses on that person and sees that person for who they are.Forgiveness is an acknowledgement of our imperfection as human beings. Forgiveness is an incredible gift.

Forgiveness starts by forgiving ourselves and acknowledging the places where we’ve made mistakes, by acknowledging the harm or the pain that we have caused. Usually that process of acknowledgement brings with it the experience of shame or guilt. This is an invitation to move beyond shame and guilt.

I really invite you now to take a moment to yourself and allow yourself to go inward with the following guided visualization. If you can, you might want to read it aloud- slowly — into a recorder and play it back. Or maybe even have someone else read it to you. Also keep in mind that it’s a template meditation and can be used to find forgiveness not just for yourself, but for anyone in your life.

Guided Meditation for Forgiving Ourselves

Take a deep breath. Notice in this moment any tension that’s showing up in your body. Check in with your body. Feel your feet on the ground. Feel your body pressed against the chair you’re sitting in. The process of forgiveness is a process of the heart.

So I want to invite you to breathe into the heart as often as you can remember.

Get comfortable. Close your eyes. Breathe into your body, into your heart.

As you breathe into your heart I want to you to feel your heart expanding with every breath. Growing with every breath.

Expanding until it expands large enough that your body can fit inside your heart. I want you to breathe into your heart until it feels large enough that you could fit the whole room you’re in inside your heart.


I want you to look there. And all of a sudden your heart is the most lusciously decked out room you’ve ever seen. All red velvet with soft couches and pillows and satin. Just the softest most luxurious place you’ve ever seen.

When you get that image, I want you to call yourself by name, in your own inner room, in your own mind. I want you to call yourself by name and invite yourself to come in and take ease in your heart. I want you to see yourself entering into that soft space. And just reclining. Resting at last.


And say to yourself – call yourself by name – say “I forgive you. I forgive you for everything you’ve ever done intentionally or unintentionally that caused pain. I forgive you for everything you’ve ever said. Yes even that, that has caused pain.”


Call yourself by name again. Say “I forgive you even for the things you have thought that have been less than flattering and beautiful about others or yourself. I forgive you. I take you into my heart just as you are. I accept you, just as you are. Here and now.”


When you have a sense that you’ve taken this in, that you’re reclining in your own heart – – resting at last,  I want you to see yourself gently and easily rise up off the pillows. And I want you to see a golden road, like the setting sun on the ocean. And I want you to see yourself walk down that golden road. And as you walk, I want you to bless, bless yourself: May you be happy. May you be free from suffering. May you be at peace.

Breathing into the heart. Feeling your own heart-space. Your own red velvet room. I want you to acknowledge for yourself the act of power that you’ve just made. What you’ve just done is released yourself from the bondage of anger and resentment that you’ve carried toward yourself. And you can even say it to yourself: “I release this resentment. I let go of everything I no longer need.”

Breathing again. And feeling your body, feeling the earth – this physical space. And open your eyes and come back into the room.