January 2011. What ?

January 26, 2011

So I guess I need to acknowledge the passage of time: it’s a new year. Weird. Somehow, I’m still stuck back in a never-ending 2010. Yet this first month of this new decade has flown. Literally. I can’t believe it’s nearly over.

How has your new year been going so far?

I’ve been torn between taking stock on my 2010 (How did I fare? Did I accomplish what I wanted to accomplish?) and wanting to sprint forward in leaps and bounds into the new year. I’ve been super hard on myself these days, feeling like I didn’t reach my goals for 2010 and am disappointed with myself*. It seems like over New Years there’s so much cultural and global brouhaha about making this year the best year ever in existence, and starting fresh, and hitting up the to-do list and life-goal list. In short, a lot of EXTROVERTED energy is required, when in fact, this is a very introverted, and self-reflective time of the year. It is winter after-all and most of us in the northern hemisphere are acclimated towards hibernation.

No matter.  I felt a tremendous amount of pressure, responsibility, and sense of failure* in coming up short in 2010.In order to compensate for this feeling of inadequacy, I have been working my butt off, to the point of exhaustion, like a hamster on a treadmill, to achieve last years goals. Sigh. This has not been working well for me, as I feel stretched thin, dried out, and exhausted. I’ve been trying to keep up with extroverted expectations required of me at work, with clients, co-workers, people out and about, when mostly, I have felt pretty introverted and am focused on the introverted, inner-worldly process of writing (trying to complete my manuscript Love You Like the Sky). Do you ever feel that introversion vs. extraversion tension?

So that’s kind of where I’ve been this past month. I apologize for not writing more. I wish I had words of support or encouragement to offer right now to all of you healing broken hearts. I’m so scraped thin, I’m not sure what to say other than my thoughts are with you. I am working on creating more balance and presence in my life. Working on patience (what is that again?) and deepening my faith that everything is unfolding in its own perfect timing; me pushing and pushing is not going to necessarily make a significant change. Everything is as it is, and blooming according to a higher, divine plan.

I wish you all much patience, healing, inspiration, and trust in this new year full of infinite possibilities.

* Incidentally, in my research on suicide over the years, I’ve found studies that report that people who have high expectations for themselves and have a low threshold for failure are more likely to be suicidal then others. The study cited examples of students who were high achievers, typically getting A grades, who when received an A- or B grade felt an extreme sense of disappointment and failure which motivated them to take their lives. High achievers + high expectations + “relatively” small failures = bad, oftentimes fatal combination (for some people). This is something I am aware of in myself. {However, I must state that I am not suicidal}. I hope you will become aware of this tendency in yourself and how it plays out in your own life…. Let’s work on self-compassion and giving ourselves a break, shall we?

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