sweet acceptance

December 10, 2010

I know some of you out there reading this are in the thick of your grief and can’t imagine life ever getting any easier or your pain subsiding. I remember being there: feeling that my wounds would never stop oozing, my tears would never stop flowing, and I would never feel complete without my beloved. I would never have imagined that I would be ok again.

Over the course of this past  month-and-a-half something has shifted in me in an enormous way. I wrote in an earlier post that I was suffering from what I called the second year anniversary blues. The weeks and months before the second year anniversary were fraught with much anger, chaos, stress, and constant low-grade irritation. Then it was the anniversary of John’s birthday on November 1st. He would have been 32. A close and dear friend visited and stayed with me. I was able to shed some tears over the loss of his beauty and how hard it has been not seeing his kind of beauty replicated anywhere in the world. How hard it is to begin dating men again when no one compares to his inner and outer beauty. My friend shared of her own loss of how his special, kind, loving nature had affected her so deeply.  We stood in the middle of Barnes and Nobles as she held me in her arms and I cried.

We saw the movie The Hereafter together and that helped me understand at a greater level that the grief and loss that we experience when a loved one dies is such an excruciatingly painful part of life that we all experience. It’s not just me and a few people I know experiencing the sadness of a death. It’s all of us. All around the world, people are crying, missing, and longing for their loved ones. We are not alone in our grieving. The Hereafter also reminded me of what a sweet feeling of relief it is to know that our loved ones are still alive, loving us, always with us, and even a part of us.

On the day of John’s birthday a state of grace set in. The week between his birthday and the day of his passing (November 7th) was an unusually hot one here in Los Angeles, with temperatures up in the eighties. It was a week full of warmth, peacefulness, and gorgeous sunset drives home on the freeway with palm tree silhouettes back-lit with yellows and blues.

That weekend I spent at a buddhist monastery in the mountains near San Diego. I turned off my phone, retreated from the world, and rested. During my meditation on sunday November 7th, through tears of love, I heard guidance telling me to rejoice and celebrate the day as the day in which John was finally released from his pain. The day he found the freedom he had always searched for. I could choose to commemorate the anniversary of his passing as a sad, lonely, depressing day or I could choose to celebrate it with him and feel joy about his release. I didn’t have to miss him or feel separated from him because he is with me and always will be. So go down the mountain and celebrate and have fun together, is what I heard. And so I chose to celebrate. I left the monastery and drove to the ocean ( i love california!). It so happened that there was a village fair going on that day in the town I happened to drive right into. I wandered through the fair in a state of peace, joy, and gratitude for all the beauty in my life and most of all for John’s companionship and love.

That day was a miracle – a shift in my perception – and since then I have let go of the past that I used to have with John. I have let go of my grief, my sorrow, and my loss. My perspective in my life and the world has changed so dramatically from a few years ago. My life and my place in the world feels exciting. Time is moving fast (and I love that) and I am more conscious of the gifts in my day to day life and the gifts that I have been given in order to be here and be of service.  I am excited for my future and the possibilities that lay ahead.

I know that what I just described may feel far off or impossible for some. I offer it here as a possibility; an invitation of hope. I never thought I would feel this way. And here I am. Let me hold the space for the possibility that one day you will feel infinitely better than you can imagine right now.  Things will get better in time, I promise. Keep grieving, keep processing, journaling, dancing, moving, meditating, and healing.  And in whatever it is that you do – don’t forget to pray for a miracle.




I just finished transcribing parts of the first session that I had with Felix Lee Lerma – a San Francisco based medium whom I highly recommend! (He does phone sessions also). I had my first session with Felix back in February when he came to Los Angeles. I left that session on a high, a contact high I guess, and I felt so light and reassured. A real sense of peace and trustfulness came over me from knowing and hearing from John in this way.

I didn’t transcribe the whole session; there were lots of random details and names that Felix asked about, and there was a whole portion where my paternal grandmother came through and was talking with her heavy New York inflection (which was hilarious). I wanted to keep the transcript relevant to this blog and not bore you with the idiographic stuff. Some of the details that Felix pulled out of seemingly thin air, were astounding.

I invite you to keep an open mind as you read further!

Felix: I feel like I have to bring through someone who passes very suddenly. Like Boom (snaps fingers). No warning. That’s the feeling that I’m getting.

Me: Yeah.

Felix: And with this comes this very playful energy. You know what I mean? Like kinda goofy in a way. Very goofy and funny.

Me: Uh huh and cute.

Felix (rubs his hands together). And like he’s sitting next to you right there. So I want to ask him for some more information here. He’s got his arm around you, like you were very special to him.

Me: Uh huh.

Felix: Like, I want to say “close friend” or I don’t know I feel like he’s pulling you in. You understand that?

Me: Uh huh.

Felix: So there’s someone to your side. {Long Pause} What happened to him up here? [pointing to his forehead] Why do I feel all of a sudden like BOOM. Like {hands slapping}

Me: Well it could be a couple of things, I don’t know how much you want me to tell you..

Felix: [exhaling strongly] Ok, let me, before you tell me let me first confirm with him what he’s showing me.  Is this person like a friend? Very close friend..like I wanta say like close.

Me: Well, yeah he was my boyfriend.

Felix: Yeah. It’s like close. It’s not just like buddy. It’s…he’s hugging you.

Me: No – he’s the – yeah…

Felix: Do you have a card he gave you? You keep reading this?

Me: I have a –

FELIX: He’s showing me something that you always read. It’s like you look at it.

Me: There are several things that I always-

FELIX: It’s like you’re always reading it. It’s from him. He just makes me feel like I need to acknowledge this.

Me: It could be a letter that he wrote before he passed…

Felix: {speaking to himself} So show me what happened to you? {To me} I’m asking for his energy to come in closer, I want to feel it more. Ok…

Was there a high speed impact with his passing? Cuz it’s like BOOM {clapping}. Pshooo. I just feel like everything  just you know what I mean (hand gestures) …or like an accident, like something came at him….it’s like that’s what I feel….

Me: A train.

Felix: ohh. Ok. Whatever it was, it happened so quickly {snapping}. He left his body very suddenly and I don’t feel like he felt a thing.

Me: Ok {crying}

Felix: I just want you to know that. Was he – oh god. Did he cause this himself because I feel like he’s making me feel like- he took- like he’s taking responsibility for how he passes cuz I don’t feel like it was an accident. I said accident and he says “No Felix.” He has his head down like he’s not proud.

Me: It was a suicide.

Felix: Cuz he’s not proud of how it happened. And I thought oh I must have said something wrong and he said no. But you know what? He wants you to know that he’s happy now. I have to tell you something- there’s something different about his mind, the way he worked, up here {pointing to head}. He says “I understand dad now” whatever that means. So he understands what happened with his dad or he understands his father now. I don’t know if there was something lingering or if there was something that—

Me: His dad used to abuse him when he was younger but I mean…

Felix: “Abuse” I think is a soft word for it.

Me: Really?

Felix: That’s what he’s showing me. He says “tell her I love her and” Ok… He said that he actually said he was going to do something like this, but someone didn’t believe him.

Me: I…he didn’t tell me., cuz I asked him the week before…

Felix: Someone, someone he told, who was a guy.

Me: A friend? His therapist?

Felix: No.

Me: A friend of his?

Felix: Yes.

Me: A male friend?

Felix: Yes.

Me: I’ve spoken to all his friends…none of them told me.

Felix: Whose Anthony or Andrew? A- “A” name? A-N, An…

Me: Adam?

Felix: Whose Adam?!

Me: Adam is a friend of his…

Felix: He’s making me feel like it’s not important that- he says “Felix I told this person jokingly”  – that’s how he’s making me feel—and they didn’t really believe him.

Me: Oh ok…well was he wanting to do this? Did he really want to die?

Felix: Let me tell you something. I’m asking him to show me like- I want him to take me to that day, that day that this happened. I want to ask him to show me what was going on in his mind. I want him to show me. Come on sir, show me what was going on in your mind. He says “I couldn’t think clearly.” He’s taking something. Did he like drink before this? Cuz he’s making me feel like he took something.

Me: Pills..? Ambien…?

Felix:  Some medication…he was on…

Me: Anti-depressants?

Felix: Was he on an antidepressant?!

Me: No, but they tried to put him on it the last week…um, it was… he had narcolepsy…

Felix: Something he took! I don’t know, it made him very like numb.

Me: The day that he did this?

FELIX: The day that he did this, the day before, the day or the day before. That’s what he’s showing me. Like I don’t feel right in the head, I don’t feel like I can think rationally.

Me: So a couple of days before he did start taking anti-depressants…was it that?

Felix: He said “it didn’t help me Felix. I felt numb. I didn’t…I felt numb.” Like, do you know what I mean? That’s what he’s showing me.

Me: Yeah.

Felix: Do you have something that belongs to him or a photograph?

Me: I have both.

Felix: can you take that out please. He wants me to hold on to something. He says “Felix you need to hold on to something that is mine or that is me.”

{I give him a photograph}

Felix: Thank you. Ok young man you’re going to have to work really hard with me. Um I just want you to know that this had ABOLUTELY nothing to do with you. You know that?

Me: Mm hm.

Felix: Cuz he’s saying “ She needs to know, she needs to know! It’s not her. It’s not her!”

Me: But I wish there was something I could have done to save him.

Felix: He says “No Felix.” Why is he playing Pink Floyd music?

Me: I don’t know. Wish You Were Here is one of my favorite songs.

Felix: Pink Floyd. I don’t know the names of these songs, I just hear- I’m seeing the Dark Side of the Moon Poster…

Me: Yeah.

Felix: …prism..

Me: Maybe he went to the dark side…? Maybe…?

FELIX: Mmm. No no no. Cuz he’s ok, he’s he’s coming through –

Me: No- the day that he did it.

FELIX: Oh yeah yeah.

Why does he have an accent? He’s like playing around with accents?

Did he do this for fun?


Felix: Oh. Did you find some things out after he passed that you didn’t know?

Me: Um….

FELIX: Cuz he feels like.. I don’t know…

Me: Just some things like he had a lot of anger towards other people that he never expressed- things like that.

FELIX: Yeah. That’s what he’s showing me. Things that you wouldn’t have known. And  you were like why didn’t he talk to me about it? And he’s just saying that.

Me: Yeah. I always wanted him to talk to me about those things but he didn’t.

Felix: Can I tell you something? He says that he always knew that he wasn’t going to live till he was very old. He actually told people that. He told some people that.

Me: Really?

Felix: He says “Felix, I’m still growing here. Coming through here -it wasn’t easy, coming through this tunnel. But I got here. It’s not time as you guys know it.” He’s mad at- not mad- he’s a little bit – did someone say to you that he was in a  bad place?

Me: I’m sure someone over the last year has said…

FELIX: Like a psychic you went to. That you would have  thought “oh my gosh, I can’t believe they said that.”

Me: Um…

Felix: Cuz he’s making me feel like it’s not true. He’s saying “I’m ok.”

Me: Yeah, I totally believe he’s ok. Yeah I know he’s ok.

Felix: Questions you want to ask him?

Me: Why didn’t he work on these issues while he was alive?

Felix: He says “I thought it was the easy way out.”

Me: Just to kill himself?

FELIX:  “He said honestly I thought I was going to experience bliss right away and it didn’t happen that way. “

Me: Oh

FELIX: He says to anyone whose thinking of doing this – it’s not the way it works.

Me: Oh, what happened to him?

FELIX: Well, when he crossed himself over he felt all the pain that he caused. He has to feel it. It’s not fun.

Me: No.

FELIX: A lot of people think oh- you know what?  I can  validate this – cuz I was talking to a guy on the phone. His wife had passed from Leukemia and I brought her through and everything and he said “you know Felix…”  oh –  she said “you can’t come over here yet. – it’s not, you can’t do this, you can’t do this.” And he said- “Felix I was so close to jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge a few months ago but a voice in my head said you will not see her if you do this.” And it’s like, well…I’m not saying he’s going to hell, but it’s not that simple {snapping his fingers}.

Me: Oh, ok, ok. Cuz I thought that it was- that he was fine and…

Felix: Yeah, he’s fine, but in time, he had to work through it all. That’s what he’s showing me.

Me: Wow.

Felix: Everybody knew him by his eyes…

Me: His eyes are just-

Felix: AMAZING eyes-

Me: I miss his eyes..

Felix: He’s saying like “his eyes..”

Me: Yeah. They’re the best.

Felix: Is there another John in his family? Cuz he’s saying John John. So there’s two of them.

Me: Yeah, his dad’s name is John.

Felix: He’s acknowledging his dad.

Me: So what am I supposed to do now without him?

Felix: He says “you’re not without me.” He says “Felix tell her that we came together with a specific purpose. I didn’t know it, she didn’t know it. He says “I’ll always be there for her.” He says “she’s going to get married.”

Me: Yeah right.

Felix: You’re gonna get married. You’re gonna find someone. You don’t have anyone right now because you’re focusing on school…work…

Me: Well, he’s a tough guy to get over. So…

Felix: Well he says “you won’t get over me, but you’ll move through it. You’ll move through it. There’s never gonna be a ‘get over him.’ But he says “it wasn’t meant to be in this time.” You guys had a past life together, you know that. Past life connection.

Me: Yeah we had many.

Felix: Many, cuz that’s what he’s showing me. He says he understands your anger.

Me: I’m not that angry at him-

Felix: You were before.

Me: – I’m angry at the universe. Not at him.

Felix: Well when you thank the universe for what you had with him, the universe will respond in kind. That’s what he just said. Word for word. “When she’s thankful to the universe for this, then the universe Felix will respond to her in kind. It’s up to her. You can’t tell her Felix, I can’t tell her. No one can make her do anything.

[me laughing]

And this is why she’s so talented cuz she knows this. And this is why Felix, she’s going to help so many people. Suicide is not what people think it is Felix.”

Felix: Then tell me what is it?

“It’s a longing to go home. But it’s not wanting to die because home is not death. We know that. What keeps us here is a grounding and when we’re not grounded we’re in that zone where things happen, accidents, suicides, i’ts all in the same energy field.” He says “I’ve been studying this over here.”

Me: So have I {laughing}

Felix: Well he’s been studying with you.

Me: Mm hmm.

Felix: Did he have boots?

Me: Boots? You mean like shoes?

FELIX: Yeah, like boots. Why is he saying “boots” to me? Is boots like a name, a nickname?

S: Not that I know of, but he was from Texas and Oklahoma so maybe, there’s something there…

FELIX: Ok, from when he was a kid. He’s showing his boots. {snapping} When he was a little kid he actually dressed like a cowboy.

Me: Oh- he was a cowboy!

FELIX:  Oh, cuz he’s saying “ It’s me!” I’m thinking is it her? Where you with her when she bought- he’s saying “No! it’s me!”

Me: Yeah, he was a cowboy.

FELIX: Cuz he’s showing me a little young- cowboy boots, and a hat and horses.

Me: Mm hm yep, yep.

Felix: He says “caballo.” He’s trying to speak Spanish here.

Me: {Laughing}

FELIX: Doesn’t that sound like him? He’s like “caballo…”

Me: He used to try and speak Spanish…well, he had a lot of humor but a lot of it was blocked because of whatever psychological and neurological shit was going on with him, so I didn’t really get to know him that way because he was so serious, trying to be so good…

FELIX: Right.

[skip to]

Me: I just get really sad because I know I have a long life ahead of me, I know that, and its just a long–

FELIX: Well stop looking at it that way. Look at it like, today. You don’t have a long life. You have today.

Me: Well every day is a day without John.

FELIX: I understand that. It’s still fresh.

Me: What I want to know is, how can I increase my communication with John? How can I know that he’s there? How can I not feel alone when I feel alone?

FELIX: See, everything is vibration. If I were sad, depressed right now, I couldn’t communicate with him. I couldn’t. It would be very difficult. I could try but you have to be in a place where you’re in a higher vibration cuz that’s how they resonate- very high vibration. If I’m really low its gonna take them extra work to go down there. They can, that’s when people are sleeping or depressed they dream about their loved one, but when you’re feeling good about life and you’re feeling like you know what- I do miss John, maybe I will always miss him, but I can’t stop. I must look up to the joys of life and remember that god, aside from John, lives inside me, and that I’m connected to this love called god, called love. It’s love. When you find this essence again and bring that back you’ll start to experience John in a different way. See what’s happened is, he’s superseded you, you’re sort of feeling left behind.

Me: Yeah.

FELIX: And he can’t go down and make you come up, you’ve got to do that yourself. But when you do, you resonate with him more, cuz he’s no longer where you are. So I’m not saying be artificial about it and pretend you’re happy. But work on doing things for yourself to bring yourself a little more joy and in that you raise your vibration, and when you raise your vibration- like right now I can feel chills- it’s because what I’m saying is what they’re giving to me and I hear it.

Me: Yeah.

FELIX: Its all energy. It’s all thought and when you resonate and you’re in that zone that we’re talking about then he has access to you.