* something new *

May 25, 2011

I know I have been gone for a while and I apologize. April and May have been incredibly busy months full of lots of clients and lots of writing projects leaving me, once again, too exhausted to do very much of anything except veg out and recoup in my spare time.

I am excited to announce that I’ll be graduating next month (on June 18th)!; And at the same time, this upcoming rite of passage has been bringing up a lot of grief, both consciously and unconsciously. You see, I met my former partner John at orientation for school, on the very first day of our Phd program in psychology. I remember standing by a buffet table in our school’s zen-like courtyard, talking to two new classmates. I looked away for a second and in that moment I saw John standing across the way; in classic John style, he had arrived two hours late. With his dirty blond curls and bright orange t-shirt, he looked sunny like a fresh summer day.

It was that same day at orientation that they told us to look around the room because 1 in 4 of our classmates, they said, would not make it to graduation day. Of all the reasons they gave for why that could be, what they didn’t mention was death.

It’s been a long, hard road these last five years. I can’t even believe how far I’ve come and how much I’ve endured to get it all done. After John passed, I swore I would finish the program on time; I’d be damned if after all the heartache and loss, I didn’t walk away with a phd. Now as graduation day approaches, I’m amazed at my accomplishments and deeply saddened and angry that John is not walking with me. If only he could have held on; if only we could be graduating together. I know he will be there in spirit, shining down in his summery way,  it’s not the same. The day still holds bittersweetness. Just when I thought my grieving was over, here’s another layer. It feels kinda nice actually; just letting the naturalness and realness of it and the love and humanness of it be as it is, as it needs to be.